I’ve Been Living A Hollow Life: It’s Time For Me to Come Clean

Hello, my reality benders.

Parasocial relationships can be kind of weird, right? I mean, you watch my videos. You know my innermost thoughts and about my past. You know about my spiritual journey and about my mental health struggles. You know that Youtube is one of my biggest passions.

But what you may not know, is that I’ve been feeling empty for quite some time.

In order for me to fully articulate the hollowness that I’ve been experiencing, I have to go back to my channel’s slogan:

“Practicing flexibility of the mind, the body, and the spirit.”

Well, friends, I have been practicing flexibility in both the mind and the body. I have been practicing yoga for close to five years now. My yoga practice was a huge tool in helping me advance my mind. The practice demonstrated how to slow down just enough to observe my thoughts and shift them in pivotal moments. The last half decade has been dedicated to healing neurological damage created by the trauma that I’ve experienced in my past.

So, “What about the spirit?”, you may ask. And to that, I would say: “She’s been horribly neglected.”

I haven’t had enough mental space or self-love to live a life that is truly in honor of my spirit. Up until very recently, I thought I was very, very happy. What I didn’t know, was that I was pretending that a part of my spirit did not exist. I was living in complete ignorance and in, what I thought was complete bliss.

Moving Past The Shadow

As I previously mentioned, the past five years have been about healing for me. Recently, I’ve been seeing messages regarding individual spirit. I truly wish I could remember the Instagram post that relayed the following information, but unfortunately, it’s the nature of the app to show you a piece of content and then never show you the creator again.

The post was a conversation between two light workers, one who was speaking about shadow work. She explained that shadow work, however necessary, is not all there is to life. She then went on to ask “Are you living as your spirit?”

The very next day, I attended church. There was a guest pastor who was very insightful. He said the following: “You are only as healthy as your spirit.” And encouraged all of us to consistently ask ourselves “How is my spirit, today?”

I knew Source was speaking directly to me. I wasn’t sure what action would be required but I did hear the message, loud and clear: “Dominique, you are ready to be a full expression of your spirit.”

At this time, I was exploring the concept of “not thinking”. This is something I’ve discussed on my channel before. This is a practice of training yourself to use your logical mind to intentionally solve problems. Otherwise, the mind is at rest and the individual is free to “be” in whichever moment they are experiencing. It is most definitely practice for me. Not second nature at all.

The relevance of the practice became clear. Instead of casually practicing, I would lean into “not thinking” as a way of life. (Now this was two weeks ago. I’m back to overthinking again. It’s just the way I’m wired. That is why this practice is so valuable. A great place to come back to over and over again.)

I consistently pushed irrelevant thoughts away for four to five days. I only used my logical mind to “think” when asked a question or when solving a problem in my home. Then, I put my brain back to sleep.

I found myself reading more (fiction and the Bible), and I also found myself singing more. I stayed away from social media and specific Youtube content because I realized that it put me in a judgmental state of mind. Judgment requires a lot of thinking, ya know. Without thinking, I reached out to my church’s praise band and auditioned. I knew, in my heart, that this was only possible because I had my brain turned off. If I was in a more familiar state of mind, I would have talked myself out of auditioning immediately.

This is a good place to mention that I’ve has a love of singing my entire life. When I was about 11 or 12, I learned that it was “impossible” for me to share this part of myself with anyone. I sang a song with a friend for our chorus teacher and my voice completely gave out. I had, what I now understand, as my first panic attack.

For the next ten years, I would be caught between my love of storytelling through performance and my inability to perform because of anxiety.

Fast forward to now, my audition went beautifully. I sang beautifully, in front of strangers, for the first time in my life.

It became clear to me that if I am serious about allowing my spirit to express myself, I must continue forward on this journey without resistance. From this point, the music just started flooding out of me.

A Hollow Life Experience

For years, I’ve run away from music. I manifested situations that reaffirmed my belief that I was not worthy of living a life so enjoyable and easy. My low self-worth convinced me that I must dedicate my life to the happiness of others and abandon my own pursuit of true unbridled joy.

I think that is why I hung onto Youtube for dear life. Youtube has always been a space where I could express myself. Not just through my words but through content creation, which has always been a passion of mine. Youtube has been the only space that’s allowed me to show up as myself.

That being said, I create lecture videos. This isn’t very creative, but it is an act of service which I believe is very necessary for living a balanced life. The process of conceptualizing my videos and editing has been creative enough to keep my soul mollified.

But since I’ve given my soul permission to express itself, I’ve needed more. I don’t know when it happened or how it started. But at some point over the past two weeks, I’ve written a handful of songs on my keyboard and I started producing and recording them. You heard one featured on my Youtube last week.

I felt an ache where fear used to be, but I was excited to share this part of myself with you. Music is a part of me and I see how empty I was, pretending that it was not. Music and songwriting have been a part of me for as long as I could read and write.

One of my first memories is writing a song and bringing it to my mom, for her to laugh and sweetly ask:

“Why book did you copy this from?”

Is there any part of you, my dear friend, that you are running from? Is there a part of you that you’re pretending does not exist?

What Do You Believe In?

A year ago, I would never be able to release a self-made song to a community of 100,000 plus people. I would be too scared. I’d be scared of the criticism. I’d be afraid of realizing that I’m not good enough. I’d be afraid of the vulnerability.

But I’ve changed a lot in the past year. In the past year, I’ve gotten to know God for myself. In the exploration of God, I’ve learned that the only place I can find God is within myself. I must open my heart up to let God in before I can see God in all that exists outside of me.

Before, I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough. I was afraid that if my music didn’t measure up, I would be abandoned by my loved ones as well as disregarded by potential listeners. (We’ve spoken in the past about how the majority of my limiting beliefs stem from abandonment wounds created by being abandoned by my biological father).

Now, I just want to express myself. Because I am God. God is me, God is you. God is everything. So when I share my music, I am sharing a part of God. The beautiful thing is, that this is true for everyone that creates from their spirit.

Are you living in a way that truly allows you to strip away the human ways of the world? Every day, we can learn to trust God more, giving our spirit more ability to express itself authentically. It is a process of stripping away all that’s been learned so that we may return to our truest selves. The people that we were created to be. The reasons why our spirits came to experience human life.

So now, when I say: “the mind, the body, AND the spirit” you know that I’m honestly practicing all three and all three are equally important.

I hope this blog post has inspired you, dear reader.

Email me to tell me about how you’re expressing your spirit this week!

Until Next Time.

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